I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
