Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
