OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Randomize
