I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
