Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
