Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
