im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
