apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
