Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
