I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
