Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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