Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
