Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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