So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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