I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
