September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
