There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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