time to smoke my breakfast
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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