he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
