my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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