3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Randomize
