In America we eat man semen.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
