I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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