the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Screwed.edu
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
