Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
The ass gains better be worth it
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