hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Randomize
