and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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