I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
