I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
