I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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