If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
