im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
