in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
