I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
