Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
