I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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