he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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