If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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