got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
