My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
third nipple confirmed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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