You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize