seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
