Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
operation have a gay friend backfired
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
