I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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