I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Houston, we have a squirter
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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