i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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