I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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