if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
