i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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