hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
