soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
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