I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
