seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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