sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
