so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
