: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
