I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
