Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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